Warning: If you're an uptight nutjob and have no sense of humour, this entry may be hazardous to your health.
Okay, Football fans. I have been concentrating on politics and other controversial social issues for a while now and I feel its time lighten up the mood here before this blog turns into another one of those ranting sites. And what a better way to bring levity to our lives than rank Garissa's football teams in terms of talent, jogo bonnito, swagger and chances of future success.
I've been holding this back for a couple days, while I did a lengthy research on the topic and consulted quasi experts on all football related issues in Garissa. The methodology used to come up with this ranking is not scientific and skeptics are allowed to send me corrections, compliments and generally anything that you think is noteworthy.
Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the 10 best football clubs in Garissa:
1. SUNNAH BOYS FC; They are the reigning champions and are blessed with one of the greatest coaches in the city. Not to mention an array of talent that includes the who is who of football in Garissa. Just to mention a few, Abdiaziz, Najib & zakaria. "Experts" and hardcore football fans in Garissa claim this team has a lot of parallels with Arsenal FC of England.
2.RED EAGLES FC; They certainly have the reputation and the class albeit robbed of their mojo by Sunnah FC. They are the Real Madrid of Garissa, laden with a history of silverware, big names and an ego that will expose Yuweri Musevini for sabre-rattler that he is. This team has produced some of the city's most legendary footballers. The likes of Isko, Aliko, Abdille and Okora ( I know he shouldn't be mentioned in the same breath as the others).Their destruction of Jeshu (Military) and police teams has gone down in the annals of soccer history & is held in awe by all.
We hear some of their all times greats are doing well in Europe and America flipping burgers at McDonald's.
3. Al-MANSOOR FC: At one time this team was known to be a rag tag collection of 'Som' players. Not to propagate a stereotype but this still holds true today.Masters of refined culture, they have a laid back attitude and a calm approach to football. Watching their fluid cat-walk replicate playing style is easy on the eyes. Their over-jelled hair(s) and cheap perfume gives away their unorthodoxy. Currently Liban is one of their most known players.
4.NGAMIA UNITED; Synonymous with violence and a Sicilian approach to competition, Ngamia utd has become one of the city's most infamous brands. Even though they've tried to shed away their mungiki-esque characteristics, their detractors still think of them in the same light and their fans are as passionate about their team as ever. This team has managed to cultivate a culture of football mania much like the Catalans. They boast of one of the deepest lineups in the city. Plus we all love the uncultured bad boy attitude of the men from the east.
5. SHEIKH STARS FC; Their name gives away all you need to know about them. Not well known outside one kilometer radius of Kudanzi.
6.Northern Rangers: Another of one those upcoming teams. Their game is decent and fast paced. A lot of their players are former employees of the now defunct garbage collection department in Garissa.
7.WHITE EAGLES; The hill billy's of Bulla Adan known to have the football IQ of a 'lax' (sheep)
Some of their greatest players are no longer in town thus their low ranking.
8.DUTCH FC; Their name is also used as insult. Calling someone 'dutch' in parts of the city is the equivalent of calling them a clown. Simple put, they are boring, plain and uncreative.
9. Khalifa FC; Mediocrity is not the equivalent of misery. This team knows its niche and has found happiness in it. They suffer from a severe lack of motivation.
10. Garissa Ndogo: At one point, they were one of the city's best teams but their fortunes are these days in the toilet.
Disclaimer: This writing is to be taken for what it is. An amateur hit job written in jest.