Garissa's Greatest Football Coach; Abdirahman Bilal alias JB

 Even when outside the confines of Garissa Primary School field, Abdirahman or as he is fondly referred to by his friends Gerard/JB, creates a stir. Most Garissans are familiar with this broad shouldered master of football and mind games. He single handedly transformed Sunnah Boys from a minor league outfit to the city's most coherent and tactile group.


 In his wake, junior kids crowd around him to listen to the dry, politically incorrect humor that drips from his mouth. He has a flair for the dramatic much like his hero, Mourinho of Real Madrid, even though he models himself after Arsene Wenger. This modern day renaissance man is a comedian, a tactician, a master manager and a hafidh. He mastered the Qur'an at the tender age of 11, graduated in the top quartile of his class and gave the city some of its best footballing talents. 


Gerrard Occupies a rarefied place in the pantheon of Garissian celebrity. He is a manifestation of the wonders of  madrassa and the 8-4-4 system perfectly meshed to produce a man of many abilities and talents.  He has ascended to the top through grit, sword and an understanding of human psychology that many don't have.


When he is not on the field, he can be found among his friends in Bulla Sunnah.

Garissa's Most Livable Bullas

 For those of you that are regular readers of this blog, you must have realized by now that I love stats, numbers and rankings like most of you do, so here is another ranking for the ages. The factors taken into account when determining livability include: cleanliness, availability of schools within one kilometer radius of a neighborhood, number of health clinics, access to market and grocery shops, entertainment and social living, number of football teams and their overall rank. We also incorporated the rate of construction and price of land into the ranking. Property rents and social amenities were also a minor factors. Finally, the number of famous residents was taken into account.

The number of possible point a neighborhood can garner is 100.


The most livable Bulla's are:
1. Lower Province, 68
2. Sunnah                57
3. Ngamia Road     55
4. South C             53
5. Iskadag + Suuqa Xolaha  47
6. Town (downtown)           35
7. Garissa Ndogo           31
8. Bulla Sheikh               28
9. Upper Province + Bulla Iftin 25
10.Bulla Adaan including Tetu   18

  Places like Province rank highly in many of the measurable indices except for health care and social interaction. A lot of the residents are uptight snobs holed up in gated houses rarely running into their neighbors. Bulla Sheikh fails in cleanliness while Ngamia got undone by a relatively high crime rate.
While the borders between Bulla's can be relatively vague, most people know where the unofficial demarcation lines are.
Happy new year all. Thank you for giving this blog almost 10000 hits in 3 months.

The 10 Best Footballers in Garissa

 A few days ago I wrote an entry detailing what I believed to be the best football teams in Garissa. I, apparently, had a lot to learn about football and seemed to have disappointed a substantial number of die-hard fans who had hoped their home teams will be featured on my list. In order to redeem myself, I thought I should shine the spotlight on what a number of self described football experts in Garissa and I believe to be the best footballers as opposed to the best teams. Our passion is after all for the players who make us (the fans) go 'ooh and aaah' with their deft touch and spark.
 In ranked format, here are the best ten footballers in Garissa;

1. Abdiaziz (Sunnah Boys) : He has the composure of a seasoned striker infront of goal. His skill is unparalleled and many consider him to be the best player in this generation. He represented Kenya in the under-17 championships in South Africa at the 2010 world cup. The problem with trying to evaluate Abdiaziz is that you run out of adjectives to qualitatively highlight his superiority when compared to his peers.

2. Okora (Red Eagles): A man of many aliases, Morreira, represents both the young and the old in Garissa. His speed is legendary. His ability to slice through defenses and leave the fans going nuts is well known throughout the city. His name is something of a brand in on its own. His only shortcoming is his inability to commit to a single team for the long term. He changes teams faster than a teenager afflicted with acne changes face cleansing creams.

3. Najib (Sunnah Boys): They call him Najinho. He has the flair of Robinho, the deft touch of Rivaldo and the bravado of Ronaldinho. If you have never seen him play yet, I'll urge you to attend one of Sunnah's games

4. Ali aka (Red Eagles)


5. Noor (Red Eagles) : 


6. A.Latif D.V (Sunnah Boys): Immense talent and an enormous presence in the midfield. His telepathic connection with his strikers is admirable.

7. Liban (Al-mansoor) ; A poacher of Van Nistelroy's pedigree

8. Deqow (Red Eagles); They call him Deco because just like the Portuguese maestro he can mesmerize strikers with his carnivorous awareness. He is a hybrid of Canavarro & Nesta. One of the best defenders since the days of Burra & qaliirow.

9. Fuser (Sheikh Stars) : The Kudanzee boys would have been dumped among the refuse if it were not for him.

10. Abdirashid (Ngamia):






So what do you think? Did your favourite player make it to the list? Feel free to tell me any genuine contenders I left out.

Top 10 Football Clubs in Garissa

Warning: If you're an uptight nutjob and have no sense of humour, this entry may be hazardous to your health.

Okay, Football fans. I have been concentrating on politics and other controversial social issues for a while now and I feel its time lighten up the mood here before this blog turns into another one of those ranting sites. And what a better way to bring levity to our lives than rank Garissa's football teams in terms of talent, jogo bonnito, swagger and chances of future success.
I've been holding this back for a couple days, while I did a lengthy research on the topic and consulted quasi experts on all football related issues in Garissa. The methodology used to come up with this ranking is not scientific and skeptics are allowed to send me corrections, compliments and generally anything that you think is noteworthy.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the 10 best football clubs in Garissa:

1. SUNNAH BOYS FC; They are the reigning champions and are blessed with one of the greatest coaches in the city. Not to mention an array of talent that includes the who is who of football in Garissa. Just to mention a few, Abdiaziz, Najib & zakaria. "Experts" and hardcore football fans in Garissa claim this team has a lot of parallels with Arsenal FC of England.

2.RED EAGLES FC; They certainly have the reputation and the class albeit robbed of their mojo by Sunnah FC. They are the Real Madrid of Garissa, laden with a history of silverware, big names and an ego that will expose Yuweri Musevini for sabre-rattler that he is. This team has produced some of the city's most legendary footballers. The likes of Isko, Aliko, Abdille and Okora ( I know he shouldn't be mentioned in the same breath as the others).Their destruction of Jeshu (Military) and police  teams has gone down in the annals of soccer history & is held in awe by all.
We hear some of their all times greats are doing well in Europe and America flipping burgers at McDonald's.

3. Al-MANSOOR FC: At one time this team was known to be a rag tag collection of 'Som' players. Not to propagate a stereotype but this still holds true today.Masters of refined culture, they have a laid back attitude and a calm approach to football. Watching their fluid cat-walk replicate playing style is easy on the eyes. Their over-jelled hair(s) and cheap perfume gives away their unorthodoxy. Currently Liban is one of their most known players.

4.NGAMIA UNITED; Synonymous with violence and a Sicilian approach to competition, Ngamia utd has become one of the city's most infamous brands. Even though they've tried to shed away their mungiki-esque characteristics, their detractors still think of them in the same light and their fans are as passionate about their team as ever. This team has managed to cultivate a culture of football mania much like the Catalans. They boast of one of the deepest lineups in the city. Plus we all love the uncultured bad boy attitude of the men from the east.

5. SHEIKH STARS FC; Their name gives away all you need to know about them. Not well known outside one kilometer radius of Kudanzi.

6.Northern Rangers: Another of one those upcoming teams. Their game is decent and fast paced. A lot of their players are former employees of the now defunct garbage collection department in Garissa.

7.WHITE EAGLES; The hill billy's of Bulla Adan known to have the football IQ of a 'lax' (sheep)
Some of their greatest players are no longer in town thus their low ranking.

8.DUTCH FC; Their name is also used as insult. Calling someone 'dutch' in parts of the city is the equivalent of calling them a clown. Simple put, they are boring, plain and uncreative.

9. Khalifa FC; Mediocrity is not the equivalent of misery. This team knows its niche and has found happiness in it. They suffer from a severe lack of motivation.

10. Garissa Ndogo: At one point, they were one of the city's best teams but their fortunes are these days in the toilet.

Disclaimer: This writing is to be taken for what it is. An amateur hit job written in jest.